


Welcome to the Salad Bar

by thatchickwithesocks



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Demon Summoning, Demons, Minor Violence, Monster Hunter AU, Paranoia, Sirens, Swearing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vampires, Werewolves, cryptid hunter au, mc is a shapeshifter because reasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-09 00:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11658054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatchickwithesocks/pseuds/thatchickwithesocks
Summary: Maple Bay is a quiet place, the cul-de-sac, peaceful and serene for all but one Robert Small. A man tormented by his past and his unnatural neighbors. After all, who wouldn't have an issue living near a vegetarian vampire, a werewolf on a diet, a minister from hell, a silent siren, and a romantic shapeshifter?(From boberts pov, kinda spoilery so beware.)





	Welcome to the Salad Bar

**Author's Note:**

> My bf and I were talking about the cancelled cult ending and how Joseph probs wasnt human, and our conversation quickly spiraled into one about what if all the dads were mythical creatures. This was the product of those ideas, sorry if anything seems off or out of character-it was just for funsies.

Robert woke with a start, groaning as the sound of a car engine starting up rattled past his ears. He refused to open is eyes at first, brow knit together as he pushed himself up, feeling the familiar crunch of dead grass under his fingers. Ugh. He really needed to stop doing this. Cracking open one lid, he was immediately assaulted by the bright rays of a rising sun. What time was it? Too damn early, that was for sure. Grumbling under his breath, Robert snatched his nearly empty bottle of whiskey from beside him, ignoring his hangover as he chugged what was left before stumbling to his feet.

Pretending not to notice his neighbors judgmental stares (Jesus Cahn, who even jogs at our age?) Robert hobbled back towards his own home, debating whether or not it would be worth the effort to change into something cleaner. Nah, he was fine as is.

“Mr. Small, what a pleasure to see you out and about at a reasonable hour. I must admit, it's a rare sight.”

Robert stopped fumbling with his keys for a second, recognizing that voice. “Isn't there a graveyard you need to fawn over somewhere, Bloodmarch?” He swore, dropping his key ring.

“Ha! Very amusing Robert. I was actually just about to grab breakfast, perhaps you would care to join me?”

Robert glanced over at the man, smirking. “Oh yeah, I’d just love to grab a _bite_. Y’know what? Gimme a sec, I know where we could find some great _steaks_.” He replied, eyes narrowing.

Damien gave an expression of mock disappointment. “How cruel Robert, and here I am trying to extend a hand of friendship.” He smiled, whipping his cloak around as he turned to leave stopping momentarily to look over his shoulder. “Oh, and Robert? Perhaps the sarcasm would be best left for another time…”

He was about to give another sly reply when he noticed exactly what the other was referring to. Along the sidewalk, a small troop of girl scouts stared blankly at the disheveled cryptic hunter. One coughed awkwardly through the silence.

He turned away, nabbing his keys from the ground and jamming the into his front door. Throwing it open and pulling it shut behind him, he ventured into his living room, discarding his empty bottle of liquor with the rest of them on the floor, tearing off his jacket, and falling onto the couch. The sound of scurrying feet on the carpet alerted him of Betsy’s presence a second before she climbed up next to him, jumping to his side excitedly.

“There's my girl,” he mused “I don't need nobody else with you here, right bud?” The pup’s soft boof was enough to make him smile as he scratched her behind the ear. Yeah, he couldn't care any less of what the entirety of the town thought of him, much less those in the cul-de-sac. But even for him, it was a bit odd at times.

As much as he liked to spin stories of himself being a renowned monster hunter to unknowing strangers, few actually knew about the fact that he was actually a retired one. But at his age, and with all he’d been through, Robert had thought his days of danger and mystery over, lost in a bottle of alcohol. But no, it was never that easy was it.

With Val and her mother gone he'd lost himself in the drinking, the late nights, the strangers, and he'd almost failed to notice it all. The oddities. Little things that altogether didn't add up.

It started when he and Mary had first met. Now she was a wild one, a real force of nature, and they understood each other light like few did. Before he knew it, it was like having a sister he couldn't remember being without. But something didn't make sense. It all came to fruition on the day the church had introduced their new youth minister.

Joseph recognized the man with blond hair and a pink polo shirt, although he didn't look anything like the person he had met in the bar the previous night. He'd known though, the second that mark had appeared on his hand, and the fact that his reflection showed no signs that anything else had ever happened.

Later on that night he'd found Mary sobbing in Jim & Kim’s, refusing to be taken home. Instead, he'd driven them both out to the woods where he'd found out the truth of the minister’s origins.

“I didn't mean to do it, never thought it would actually work….” Mary had cried, words coming out broken in between her tears. Apparently she’d summoned him herself, convinced the website giving her instructions was bullshit. But the demon didn't seem to want to do any real harm. At least, nothing life-threatening (though those fake kids of his were scary as hell). He did his job at the church well, actually helping many in the process. Eventually Mary learned to cope, although in not the healthiest of ways.

That alone would have been enough to convince Robert the place was cursed, but no, the universe seemed far from done messing with him.

It happened on a quiet night when he'd taken Betsy out on a walk outside the city. He had liked nights among nature back then. Even went camping every now and again. Not anymore. Not after he'd spotted something bigger than his car tearing into the carcass of what he could only guess to be some sort of wildlife, it's body so ripped into he could only discern that it had once been living. Now it's blood caked the fur of the creature mauling it with its teeth and claws.

And that _howl_. That howl that it gave, louder than anything he'd ever heard. He shouldn’t have gone out there, at least, not with Betsy. Bless her heart, as soon as she had seen it, that thing, she'd been on high alert. A growl resonating from her throat. He should've kept a tighter grip on her leash, because as soon as she bolted for it, he couldn't stop her.

He'd give her this though, that brave little bundle of slobber tore into that things eye with a fury, and it reeled, kicking her off with enough force to tear up some of the foliage around it. He had no idea how she survived, but as he caught her in his arms, Robert had run as fast as his legs would carry him, hauling ass into his truck and tearing off back towards civilization.

It was only the next day at a barbecue when he found out that werewolves had day jobs. As contractors apparently.

“Brian huh? Believe we’ve met, haven't we?” He managed, not bothering to shake the bearded man’s hand as Joseph introduced them to one another.

The other gave a humorless guffaw. “Oh yes, we’ve met. But you haven't met my daughter, Daisy, now have you?” He replied, waving over a girl with hair as red as his. “I'm so proud of her, she's really something. But I am a bit of a protective parent.” He said, a hand on her shoulder. She smiled, unaware of the distrust radiating from Robert. “I would do anything to keep her safe.”

Robert bit his cheek, glaring at him before his gaze shifted to the young girl. “You should make sure your dad doesn’t get into any accidents building those decks kid. If he wants to be around for you, he’ll need to be more careful.” He looked back at Brian, sneering. “Wouldn't want to lose an eye.”

Things had been tense between the ginger and the hunter after that, but if only because Robert refused to let down his guard. There had been several mornings where Brian had attempted to wave and say hello, or when he'd invited him over for fishing, hell he even offered to let Robert borrow his lawnmower one time! (Maybe he liked his lawn choppy and uneven Brian!) It was beginning to drive him up the wall.

That had to be it though right? There couldn't possibly be more than TWO paranormal creatures literally living across the road. ...Right?

God he wished he hadn't tempted fate with that question.

No less than a week later, the house that had once been owned by a relatively nice grandmother with far too many cats for her own good disappeared, only to be replaced by some ungodly abomination ripped straight out of the 1800s, painted all black and guarded by actual fucking gargoyles.

And as if that hadn't been enough, the rest of the neighborhood went on as if nothing had happened. The new appearance of a cape-clad neighbor and his gothic punk son didn't affect anybody else except him. Instead they all acted as if the mysterious stranger had always lived there, parading about with fangs bared in a smile like he belonged!

Nearly at the end of his rope, Robert managed to corner the Victorian-obsessed male in a graveyard, demanding answers.

“Who the hell are you? Where did you come from? Why are you here? _What did you do to Mrs. Brambletin and her twelve Siamese kittens!?”_

He had been surprised though when the vampire, instead of fighting him, gave an honest account, answering all of his questions.

“How rude of me, do forgive my lack of manners.” The man replied, practically floating with how smoothly he moved back and bowed. “My name is Damien Bloodmarch. My son, Lucien, and I just moved to town hoping to get a… Fresh start.” He chuckled softly. “As for Hylda, it is a shame that she passed away recently, she was a distant relative and so I took possession of her home. The cats are now living at the animal shelter where I work.”

Robert blinked. “The… Animal shelter? You mean the one that works with the church?”

“The very same.”

He knew that Mary worked there on the nights they couldn't meet up for drinks, and she had mentioned something about a shit ton of cats coming in recently…

It had to be some sort of cruel joke, so many of these supernatural entities living in one area, yet none of them wanted to or even tried to pull off any stunts. The biggest menace he'd ever encountered was Ernest, the little shit that Hugo Vega called a son (and as far as he could tell, both of them were human). It had originally been infuriating to him, with nothing he could do about it all. But as time wore on, and his daughter actually came back into contact with him again, Robert began to panic.

It didn't stop, it never did, the occurrences. But now, Robert had almost no reprieve from them. The barista who he suspected was actually a siren, the workout obsessed father of three **(NO ONE WHO GETS UP AT THOSE HOURS TO HIT THE GYM IS A NORMAL HUMAN BEING)** , even the shapeshifter who’d just moved in and had joined him in watching the game at the bar. They were _EVERYWHERE_.

What was truly frustrating though, was that they all just seemed to be such… Normal people, once you removed what they were from the equation that is.

The demon that was a law abiding citizen and an active community and church member, the werewolf who was on a seafood diet and helped repair older homes and built entirely new ones from the ground up, the vampire that liked veggie burgers and helped keep strays off the streets, the siren who refused to sing but made a killer cup of joe, Jesus even the shapeshifter seemed to care if others were doing alright.

It was so surreal, like some bad fiction novel that had been brought to life, or a buffet of strangeness. Build your own salad fitted with hell creatures, the undead, and more. Maple Bay’s very own freak show.

Just then, Robert was jolted back to reality by the ringing of his phone. After digging around his pockets for a bit, his hand closed around the cell, and he pulled it up to his face to see a string of texts.

  
**Val:** Hey, just woke up, back on the road.

**Val:** Should be on schedule.

**Val:** Scratch that, may be a little late.

**Val:** I’d give it two, maybe three days before we arrive?

  
No time for cryptids at the moment though, nope, as much as he hated it he needed to get past that.

For his daughter.

And possible daughter in law.

...Oh god he definitely wasn't ready for that. Nine more hours of sleep and he might be close though.


End file.
